The Idle Mind: Reinitialized

May 28, 2008

Forgive me, I haven’t done this lately. It’s not that I have lost the heart to write, nor taken this for granted - It’s just that my mind, no, my entire being is overflowing with thoughts of you. There is great difficulty in finding the words for you. My mind would often tell me to describe you as gentle but forceful, kind with a warmth of cruelty, sometimes cold, yet always loving. You are my conscience and my demon, my angelic guardian and my wild vixen.

You are my measure for every woman, and in your love I find a measure of everything that is to be. You are my perfect irony, my linear paradox. You are the contradiction in my heart, my being, the only contradiction that makes sense of it all.

There are no words that will give justice to who you are in my life.

I want to devour you. I want to put my entire being so close to you so that our souls touch and return to being one as it was originally made thousands of years ago. There is no amount of physical contact that will satisfy my strong desire to integrate our being. I want to be that thick silk comforter that embraces you, My heart answers only to your voice, the blood in my veins only to your footsteps.

So to my you, my Cherryl, my Pangga, the graceful mother of my child, my secret joy, my imperishable treasure, to you whom I love more than a hundred thousand times, an addiction that my heart longs for every passing moment - I want nothing more but walk all remaining sunsets side by side with you.

It’s only our 2nd anniversary and I want you more than ever.

My personal QA tells me that she didn’t like my previous update so I have to make a few minor revisions.

I just hate the way friendster blogs denies you of micro customization. If anyone of you knows how to customize my colors, please let me know. I’ll really appreciate it.

At the very least I’ve updated the theme so it will be easy on the eyes. I’ll try to at least make it look like a decent blog, so hopefully I’ll find images for my entries as well.

I’m collecting facts and data for my new entry. There is currently work in progress and I’ll probably up something for you (this remark is aimed to cool mom Maedei since you seem to invest a few minutes of your time browsing through my scribbles).

I’ll try to brew something interesting for you guys by the weekend.

To conclude the update, I’d just like to thank my very loving, sweet, tender, juicylicious, and greatest partner Cherryl. You really made my day.

Bumming for almost 3 weeks was fun. Nothing beats the sequence of eating-sleeping-relaxing-lovelife-gaming for the duration of my vacation, seasoned with a little dash of wild partying to conclude my last hours as affiliate of Trend.

This morning I’ll be stepping into unfamiliar territory. I’ll be walking into a zone of culture that is alien to me. It’s not something that I should be really making a big deal about, but it’s new - and it’s been a realization of mine lately that I’m not very good with change.

Now I’m surprised I won that that plaque of recognition which says "Adaptable to Change (2006)". Ironic.

My adventure starts later. I’ve learned a lot from Trenders and I’m out here trying to emulate their example. I also tried to write a goodbye email to all those people that had a significant impact in my life (in Trend) but as of this point I still can’t shake the fact that I’m out.

No more cases. No more products. No more mail queuing, no server crashing, no more parsing through heaps and heaps of log files, no more escalations, no more trend.

Congratulations Prince. You’re free.

Somehow I just feel a part of me has been forcefully torn out of my body.

===================================
Core 2 Duo E6600
Palit GeForce 8800 GTS 320mb 320bit
2 GB Corsair 667
Samsung 931BW Widescreen
Lian-Li PC-07B
CoolerMaster Realpower SLI
Ganzklar subwoofers
Nintendo DS Lite + R4 Flashcart
Sony CyberShot DSLR H1
MG Hi-Nu Gundam
===================================

All these distractions and I’m still nowhere near as happy as I am when I am with you.

You do so much more than complete me.

I have wings, even though I can’t fly with them
I fret as I comfort you
Because it it indecent to find your crying face beautiful

To keep chasing after the same dream is to constantly battle yourself
I could almost brag about the ever increasing number of scrapes in my heart

I can give you wings, even though you can’t fly with them
Those are the words that peel away your loneliness
.. And tell you that you’re not alone anymore

Love can change any pessimist
You don’t need to worry until you find that the path you chose is a dead end.

"Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration become rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy, and if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?"
 
That’s a line from the TV Series, House. These shows kills my time while I wait for the inevitable. I am so loving this.
   
I haven’t been watching movies lately. The last one being "The Prestige", which was all about deception and illusion. This almost 3 hour movie made me think, especially if they have Nikola Tesla - the famed father of Alternating Current (220 Volts AC anyone?) and inventor of the infamous Tesla Coil. What’s particularly interesting in the plot was deception and misdirection. It could be a classic counterpart of "Matchstick Men meets The Count of Monte Cristo" set in the latter 18th century.
   
It was a good movie, worth my hard earned hundred bucks if not for the crappy butter-dripping large popcorn and extra large diet pepsi that bloated me for the 3 hours that I was inside the theatre.
   
Then here comes Michael Scofield.
   
For all those unfamiliar with the series, Prison Break is all about two brothers - the elder (Burrows) being sentenced to death by chair and the younger (Scofield), using science and engineering, carefully planned the escape. The series reminds me of MacGyver, only this time around the protagonist has tatooed and encrypted the plan on his entire body instead of the sprawling 80’s longback and leather jacket.
   
The series also manages to put me at the edge of my seat, stare endlessly on my 17′ flatscreen while keeping my heartrate up like taking redbull, pepsi extra caffeine, and smoking reds all at the same time. Nothing gets people high like that (pun intended) just like doing something naughty in public risking getting caught. At the very least here’s a safe and trouble-free alternative.
   
Finally, here comes Dr. House.
   
I’ve always dreamt of being a doctor (neurologist at best so I can integrate microcontrollers to the human brain, probably coming up with some circuitry that will connect and translate brain signals into digital signals - and vice versa). Fellow engineers, imagine the possibilites - having asm instruction sets that will be sent to and understood by the brain. I know there are ethico-legal issues, but whathahell.
   
House is all about Dr. Gregory House, a doctor, who’s personality is completely the  opposite of what is expected of a doctor while not missing an opportunity to mock and attack people’s weaknesses. What makes him interesting is that he has absolutely no concern for other people’s feelings yet he manages to make the patients "get-well". Points to consider are his incredible sarcasm, which I am quickly becoming a fan of, and if you’re into medicine and infectious disease such as myself - you cant get anything better than this.
   
I’m just in Episode 4 Season 1 but im absolutely hooked.
 
The soundtrack is great. Especially on House. The intro music is a mix of something like slow industrial music mixed with orchestra.

      
If Michael Scofield is the modern version of MacGyver, House is a complete antithesis of Dr. Doogie Houser M.D (if any of you 80’s people remember him). Hell they even almost have the same last name.
 
It’s also interesting to note that characters in Prison Break make appearances in House as patients in some episodes. Good work Fox, really good work. I can’t wait to get to Season 3.
   
Now about my quotedf first lines about sex? Nothing. Its just either I found it particulary interesting to note or I’m just incredibly wanting.

This is exactly.. exactly, what’’s stirring inside myself. I’m typing how exactly it’s being sang.
 
You can download a copy of the song at: ftp-download.trendmicro.com.ph/premium/princer/
username: ftpuser
Password: ftp-trend
==============================================================================
   

LRRRRRAAAAHH!!!!
   

Ignoring,
A loss of sight,
Afraid…
To blink,
and might,
Lose the sunnnn.
   

But don’t hhhh..
Make this out,
To be more,
Than it iisss..
I’m BEhind,
Every lie,
There’s a BURRRRDen within,
YES YOU’RE MY CHILD!!!!!!
    

The suffering,
That’s kept within,
Dispohhsuble man,
LOST,
Inside,
He was negative.
   

This pla-aace,
Once mo-oore,
Was underground,
   

So look,
And connect,
We’re refu-uusing to rust,
Heaaling haas to begin,
In the Paaaast
   

So DOOON’TTTT FAKE THIS,
DON’T FAKE THIS,
Don’t fake this,
DOOOONNNTTT!!!!
   

Thaah suuufurrring,
That’s kept wiitthin,
Dispooosable man,
Loossstttt,
   

DOOON’TTTT FAKE THIS,
DON’T FAKE THIS,
Don’t fake this,
DOOONTTT!!!
   

Fraaaakkee!!!
Fraakkkeee!!!
Fraakkkeee!!!
   

Thaah suuufurrring,
That’s kept wiitthin,
Dispooosable man,
Loossstttt,
   

DOOON’TTTT FAKE THIS,

DON’T FAKE THIS,

Don’t fake this,
DOOONTTT!!!
   

FAKE!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone give me distraction. Quick.

It all starts in this simple process. We love. We get hurt - A lot. We may unconsciously hurt the people we love in the process. We are betrayed, we are lied to, then we are denied by the very love that binds us together. We start to bleed. When tears have fallen too much all we have left are utter silent cries to send the pain somewhere - only to find out that it will still come back pouring to us one time or another.
 
Then we do some really intelligent things, like smoke a few dozen packs of cigarettes, get drunk through 2 bottles of imported liquior to induce sleep for an entire weekend while having this feeling that the person you wish to build a life with goes away again.
 
Sometimes we can only do so much. We learn things the hard way, like being scrapped in the knees and elbows which can be cured but never truly heals. That there are defenses from past wounds that make people test how strong a heart really is. We realize our weakness, we realize our faults, we apologize but sometimes only time can answer our pleas.

We are then made to feel that we are not needed. We are made to feel that we do not matter, that we are not part of the plan. We are not being told that we are wanted, nor we are sources of smiles. We then get fed up, stop being sweet, stop telling how we feel, stop letting them know where we are, in the hopes that we will be heard - but then again, brother, intelligence eludes me.
 
We stop being ourselves in fear or rejection, and we constantly pray that we’ll be together. The prayer lands on deaf ears, as they are busy contemplating on accepting reality. The truth is out of reach. What was said and done, twisted. What promises - all unkept.
 
Another chapter ends. Don’t bother reading between the lines on this one, for there are none. I just miss being a friend with my lover, after all.

That’s it. I’m never, ever, going to browse through that accursed site again. I’m starting to understand why Robert Hayden would want to go through all that trouble to erase humanity in the face of the earth.
   
More often than not there are no simple explanations to life.

    
Nothing else matters. Nothing is changed. My heart is yours as always.

Don’t you hate it when pre-OC individuals, such as yours truly, feel that you can map down an entire flowchart of everything that’s going to happen, then concluding that things are going to end up disastrous and you feel so vulnerable that things are beyond your control?
   

What if? Maybe? Perhaps? Supposedly? Let’s say that.. Should you ever..
   

I hate my uncontrollable over-analysis. I hate it that most of the time I’m also correct in my assumptions. Well.. ALMOST all of the time.
   

Can someone prescribe me a pill of distraction? Around 500mg would be nice. Oh I almost forgot, things such as those aren’t supposed to be taken orally.
   

Anyone that can whack me to consciousness will get a free drink of your choice in any coffee shop, preferrably NOT starbucks.
   

In the end, my self-sustaining, self-correcting routines are broken after all.